Parenting

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lauren-cormier/the-day-my-son-gave-up-on_b_5701432.html


This blog has been making the rounds with some of my friends, and I just couldn't let it pass without comment.

I'm not a parenting expert, but I have four children. One of them, I have actually managed to get to adulthood alive, despite what often seemed like his concentrated effort towards self destruction. When you get down to it, we are all just making it up as we go, but I've been making it up longer than most, so I hope someone will hear what I am saying, and at least think on it.

We live in a time of super-intensive parenting. There is so much focus on it. So many of us really LIVE for our kids. It is fully expected that the focus will always be on "what is best for the kids", rather than "what is best for the adults" or "what is best for the family". I know several couples who have not slept in the same bed in years, literally, because a child wants mom or dad there while they sleep. I have talked to friends who said they can't remember who they are anymore. I know people who have given up every hobby, interest, and passion they had, and poured themselves completely into parenting their children. I have been guilty of this type of thing too, from time to time, and I can't help but wonder if we aren't doing ourselves, and out kids, a huge disservice.

Kids are wonderful, amazing little people. And they will take everything you offer, and ask for more. There can never be enough hugs, kisses, bedtime stories, or playdough sessions on the kitchen table. No matter what you give them, they will always want more. It's not because they are greedy, horrible little monsters. It's because they are kids, and thats what they do. You can spend they whole day doing whatever your child wants to do, and, when you put her to bed, she will lay there wailing that she just wants one more kiss or one more book or one more movie, all while so tired she can barely keep her eyes open. You could take a week off of work, be with your toddler 24 hours a day, and the morning you leave to go back, he will fling himself down, sobbing that he just wants to spend time with you.

If you try to give them everything, you will lose yourself. Your love for your child will be the siren song that lures you out, and drowns you. Eventually, you will have nothing left to give, and they will still be wanting more. At the same time, making your child your entire world is not helping the child at all either. That is way too much to ask anyone to do, much less a kid. They are either going to give themselves an ulcer, trying to make sure you are ok, or they will assume that it is their due, and become a tiny tyrant.

The mother who wrote this post worries about her son "giving up" on her. I'm more worried about her giving up on herself. There is nothing wrong with telling a child, "You had your story, and your hugs and cuddles. It's time for bed now. I love you. Good night." There is nothing wrong with telling them, "Mom needs some time to herself".  Show them some examples of good self-care. Even fairly young kids can understand that sometimes, people need a little time to themselves. It's fine to say that you want "Just a minute" to really mean a minute. Just make sure that you aren't forgetting to show that sometimes, the answer is no.